Memories of my Grandmother

Today has been one of the hardest and before it ends I wanted to write out a post about how I feel so that I can remember.

I’ve been lucky enough to have not experienced significant loss in my life up until today. When I found out my grandmother died it was a feeling I’d never felt before. It felt like I couldn’t see straight and like my body weighed 90 tons and like I was in a soundless tunnel. I felt like gravity was sucking me into a black hole from which I’d never escape. My grandma was so pure and so sweet. I remember spending my summers with her in southern Utah and sitting with her in the garden picking tomatoes and strawberries. I remember playing dress up in her closet with my cousins while she napped on her bed (which had years worth of canned food storage stuffed underneath). I can remember sitting with her and watching college basketball (her favorite) like it was the best show on television night after night. sitting in the dark living room under a blanket being lulled to sleep by the sounds of the tv. I remember sitting at her kitchen table playing scrabble and trying to convince her that I could use made up words.

I loved my summers with her. I stopped visiting her as frequently when I became a teenager because my family moved to Hawaii and flights became very expensive. I’m sad that I don’t have any recent pictures with her. The last time I saw her was the summer before I left on my mission to Honduras. It was only a brief visit and I wish I had chosen to stay longer but some things that felt important at the time called me elsewhere. I remember she wasn’t as strong and tall as I had remembered her. I felt like I wanted to stay with her forever, to help her and be there for her.

The last time I talked to her was on the phone and she told me she loved me and that she was so proud of me for being so strong and for serving a mission and for being a good daughter to my mother. I remember the sound of her soft voice on the phone and it felt like a warm hug. I am sad and I miss her so much but I know we will meet again someday.

Today has been so hard because I can’t imagine how my mother feels. It has to be a million times what I have felt. I think about how I would feel in her place and there are no words. Today has been hard. This morning after crying for a while in my mom's arms, a calmness overcame me and I felt so strongly in my heart and soul that my grandmother is at peace and that she is not in pain.

I’m glad for my testimony of the gospel and of the plan God has for us. I know that this life is only a short part of the plan of happiness and that after this life, we live on. It can be hard to grasp and conceptualize the concept of eternity and immortality. I have a testimony that Heavenly Father loves us and has provided a way for us to return back to him. That we are destined for greatness and happiness. I know that my grandmother has progressed into the next step in the plan God has for her. I know she is not in pain and is not suffering, but that she is finally at rest and at peace and that she lives on. My testimony in the plan of salvation has never been as strong as it has been today and this knowledge has brought me so much peace.

 I love my grandmother so much.

Alma 40: 11-12: